No, not that *f* word, but the *f* word for Forgiveness with a Capital F.
As a holistic life coach, I have learned that there is no freedom without it. And when clients ask me “How can I heal and let that (anger, resentment) go?” the answer is always the same: Forgiveness. “But how?! I wasn’t the one cheating?!”
But proving yourself right and the other person wrong is not the point here. Neither we are okaying or saying that whatever the other person did is Okay. Not at all.
Forgiveness is a journey, a healing process, something we are willing to embark on, dive deep within (not always so pleasant), and embrace it all with complete surrender.
In the quest for forgiveness, resistance is the first—most natural—reaction.
Yet through that journey many of us discover that the biggest challenge might not be to forgive others, but to forgive ourselves.
It took me some time to fully understand what “forgiving myself” truly meant. I had no clue how to do that. I was hurt, angry, and raw. Yet I knew that only forgiveness could set me free. I also knew that I would be able to release any other resentments from the past. As uncomfortable as I felt, and the more I dig the more pain I felt at times, I kept searching.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the most altruist selfish act because the anger, pain and resentment you might be holding on to doesn’t affect the other person in the degree that affects you mentally, energetically, and physically. Letting the person off the hook is nothing else but setting yourself free in every way. Forgiveness lets us move forward, creates the space in our lives to live fully into the present moment, and see the future ahead as big blank canvas where is everything is possible.
Forgiveness heals. Scientists believe that cancer is rooted in anger and resentment. But beyond that, forgiveness holds the power to heal not only your wounds, but the wounds of all others concerned just by simply setting them free of that energetic jail.
Forgiveness is freedom.
This is what I have coach my clients when it comes to practice the big F word.
Forgiveness start with yourself
People will always do and say things, that’s a fact. Yet how we respond is our responsibility. They say that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. In other words, if someone says or does something harsh we always have the choice to choose between reaction or creation, between anger or love, condemnation or compassion, fear or freedom, hatred or forgiveness.
We are the ones giving others the permission to affect us, to take our power away. In forgiving ourselves it is where we connect with our Higher self, inner strength, and we are able to move on with clarity and peace. Without forgiving ourselves, forgiving others will a short-lived pretense.
How Tos: Taking baby steps
Think about what makes you mad, sad, or resentful, and ask yourself:
How does it feel in my body? If it had a name and colour, what would that be? Breathe and be with it, acknowledge it, and simply say: “I now forgive myself for allowing this pain and suffering into my life. I now forgive and release everything and everyone that have caused me pain.”
Say it as many times as needed. You might need to repeat this for a few days.
One of my favorite practices to release forgiveness is the Ho’oponopono mantra. It is so simple that many might find it complicated it. Just think of the person, event, or yourself and say: “I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you and I thank you.”
Like with everything else, I always tell people, don’t believe what I say, go and practice it, apply it in your daily life and see how it works for you.
Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha) said that “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
So here are some other tips that might help you master the powerful healing practice of the big F:
- Empathize: In one of his audiobooks, Eckhart Tolle, author of the The Power of Now and A New Earth, said something that helped me practice compassion and forgiveness in the blink of an eye: “People act according to their level of consciousness.” In other words, even at our worst, we are all doing the best we know and can. When you understand this, forgiving becomes effortless.
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- Forgive yourself: Many people asked me, “But why do I need to forgive myself when the other person was the one that hurt me?” Exactly. Forgive yourself for allowing others to take your power away, forgive yourself for allowing others to do that to you, and for accepting pain from others. As the saying goes: it is not what they do to us, but how we react that we are responsible for. And yes, this might be, for many, the hardest part of the process.
- Let it all out. Journal with an open heart, allow yourself to feel and be mad, to fully self-expressed yourself. (Journaling is also great when we need/want to forgive someone that is not longer here on this physical plane.)
- Embrace them with love and light. Once you feel lighter, ready to say your final “goodbyes,” and let forgiveness take over your heart, bless them with love and light. This will help to cut the final attachments to old resentments and grudges. Tip: Do not do this until you feel ready to start letting go.
- Be grateful for the lessons and accept the blessings. Every encounter teaches us something. The most challenging relationships bring us the greater gifts (lessons) and blessings. Those who trigger us the most, are our best teachers. Forgiveness allows us to see the lesson, and be grateful for it. It also opens up the gates to be showered with the blessings that come with the lessons. Ask yourself: What he/she has taught me? How this situation has helped me grow, evolve? After a long and painful divorce, I took on not only forgiving both of us, but also remembering the good side of that relationship, looking at what my ex husband taught me, and how at the end, that marriage and divorce served me to become a stronger, better version of myself.
Before I go, I want to leave you with two of my favorite quotes about forgiveness:
- To err is human. To forgive is divine. — Alexander Pope
- Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.— Mark Twain
And also, one of my daily practices from Gabrielle Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles:”
“Today I let myself off the hook. I look upon my life’s experiences with a loving eye. I forgive myself for all my fearful thoughts and actions. I know that when I let go of my anger and self attack I will recalibrate my loving presence within. I forgive myself and clear space for loving guidance to set in. Today, self-forgiveness is my primary function. Today I forgive myself for choosing fear. Today I choose love instead.”
Practice: How can you forgive yourself today?
As always the action happens in the comments below. Share your thoughts away!
Keep on forgiving!